Ask yourself… Is this socially acceptable?

Okay, I get it. I write what I write and that (apparently) makes me an open target for those who have trouble distinguishing not just fantasy from reality, but what is and is not socially acceptable behavior when you are reaching out to someone you don’t freakin’ know.

I know. It can be a tricky thing, and I know it’s going to come as a surprise to a lot of people, but there is a difference between behaving like a true dominant and behaving like the world’s biggest asshat, who thinks nothing at all of inserting him or herself into another person’s (ie: my) life and/or lifestyle without being invited.

Now is the time, dear reader, to do some serious soul searching. Do you have difficulty figuring out where the ‘boundaries’ are when you’re introducing yourself to someone new? Maybe you don’t get out much and you just want a refresher course on what makes a person come across as either well-mannered or as Creepy McCreeperson on crack. Visually, do you know what that looks like? Let me show you:

1.) How people see a well-mannered person:

Rich macho man foreplay with lover holding whip bdsm


2.) How people see a Creepy McCreeperson:



See the difference?

No, no. I get it. The struggle is real, but fear not! I have spent the morning coming up with a quick and easy quiz to help even the most socially inappropriate among us figure out 1.) that they are being asshats, and 2.) how they can identify those inappropriate moments while they can still fix and hopefully avoid them.

Remember: the first step to getting help is recognizing you have a problem. So, if there is any question in your mind as to where you stand on the Creepy scale, take this short quiz that I put together out of the IMs, texts and emails I’ve received within the last two weeks.


1.) How do you introduce yourself to someone you’ve never met or spoken to before?

a.) “Hi! I’ve been reading your posts on Facebook and I just wanted to say you made me smile today. I think you’re fun and funny and I hope you have a good day.”

b.) “Hello.” It’s short. It’s sweet. And it gives you a minute to figure out if you want to follow up with ‘How are you doing?’ or just jump straight to ‘Are you single?’

c.) “Here’s a picture of my penis.” Because everybody likes a good penis or cooter shot (I must have arrived, because I’m getting those now too).


If you answered:

a.) 0 points. Good job! Even though it looks like this conversation opened and closed without needing a reply from the object of your admiration, this is a good way to start to get to know someone. This kind of greeting is your best bet if you want to receive a favorable reply in return.

b.) 1 point. Asking someone if they are single in the same conversation that you use to announce your very existence is only appropriate in a bar or on Craigslist. You might as well start by saying, ‘Hey, wanna fuck?’ And if you just thought ‘Oh shoot, I should have opened with that’, then you just lost your point. Go immediately to the next answer.

c.) 10 points. Nobody wants to see a picture of your junk. Period. End of story. I don’t care how big or thick it is. It’s just a penis and, sadly, it’s attached to a Creepy person who enjoys ‘flashing’ people they don’t know. Streakers at sporting events get arrested for this. So do naked men in trench coats and the ‘press’ or ‘hang’ mooners doing their drive-bys. In real life, this sort of thing can land you anything from a fine to a mandatory stay at a government run facility where at any given moment you may find yourself re-enacting that infamous scene from Deliverance. Here’s a clue: You get to be Ned Beatty. It’s the stuff that can and should put people on the sex offenders’ registry for the rest of their lives. So here’s a novel thought: stop being an asshat. Put your pants back on and if you’re that freaking desperate and you can’t find a girl any other way, I hear warm apple pie makes a good substitute.

Appropriate thought process:


Inappropriate thought process:


Are you starting to see the creep factor here? No? Well, okay. Let’s continue on.


2.) So, you’ve introduced yourself and have received a favorable response back that encourages the conversation to continue. How do you proceed?

a.) I see that you’re an author/cover model/vice squad detective. I find that very interesting. If I wanted to see more of your work, how would I go about doing that?

b.) Do we live on the same continent and/or are you single?

c.) Want to see a picture of my dick?


If you answered:

a.) 0 points. Good job! People who are good conversationalists make an effort to get to know one another. Also, the hallmark of building lasting relationships includes having common interests.

b.) 1 point. This is a red flag for me. My assumption when people message me is one of two things: either I know you in real life or you’re a reader/author/fan of my work. If I know you in real life, then you already know these things, so automatically this question places you in the column of people I have never met. So, okay. Time zones being what they are, you might have a legitimate reason to want to know where in the world I’m at. It might be simple curiosity, even. But if we’ve never met and you’re asking my relationship status, that automatically makes me think you’re typing with one hand and choking the chicken with the other. Either way, you just took a giant step toward Creepyville.

c.) No, no, no. 10 points. Look, we just went over this. Okay, one more time. Put your pants back on and pay attention: No one wants to see your Man Johnson in his first ever formal photo set, not even if you dress him up in a little black coat, a tie, and a top hat. …Well, okay. I might want to see that. But no, seriously! Pictures of your dick do not impress me. Stop sending them. Period. Unless, of course, you absolute do want to send that pic to the vice squad detective. I’ll bake cookies for your trial.

Again, here’s some visual aids.

Appropriate thought process:


Inappropriate thought process:



3.) If back and forth conversations have been going well, after a suitable length of time and if distance allows, maybe you’d like to meet face to face. What is a suitable length of time?

a.) 3+ months. Genuine relationships take time.

b.) A couple weeks. This is the age of instant gratification, after all. Everything moves fast these days.

c.) A couple hours. I have got to get this off pretty soon. My girlfriend is going to be home any minute.


If you answered:

a.) 0 points! Good answer. You’re the kind of guy who understands that a woman’s sexual attraction to a guy starts and ends with his personality. Everything else–height, weight, wealth, quantity of hair growing on his head as opposed to his back–all the rest of that is irrelevant if he’s fun and funny and the object of his budding affection can’t wait to talk to him. A good man or woman’s heart is 100% accessed through his or her mind. Court that first.

b.) 1 point. You want instant gratification? God gave you two hands and an internet full of porn for a reason.

c.) Oh please, like you have a girlfriend. 10 points. Stop lying.

Appropriate relationship escalation discussion:


Also the inappropriate relationship escalation discussion (depending on whether it was a genuine typo).



Last question.

4.) You think everything has been going so well that you’d really like to try meeting face to face. And who knows, maybe things will get physical the way you’ve been secretly hoping ever since you decided to text/IM/email in the first place. You say:

a.) “Want to meet in a public place? Maybe for coffee?”

b.) “If you have a car, I live alone/my roommate is out. Want to come over?”

c.) “What’s your address?”


If you answered:

a.), b.), or c.) 10 points. While miracles do happen and people sometimes meet out of the blue online and go on to have a real life together, if the only reason you started talking to them in the first place was because you wanted to ‘hit that’, then this is inappropriate. There are online hookup sites you could join to satisfy that need. Call an 800 number or find a chat room somewhere. Those are appropriate outlets for that kind of thing. Harassing someone because you’re not getting enough satisfaction from masturbating to their picture is not.


10 thoughts on “Ask yourself… Is this socially acceptable?

  1. It seems funny the way you tell it, but of course there is a passive aggressive tone underlying all these dick pic jokers. I think they get off on trying to shock women, because they probably realise that they wouldn’t attract a woman like you in several lifetimes, and it makes them angry. The danger is, unfortunately, for every hundred dick pic flashers, there is the one for whom rejection will trigger real aggression. These are the ones you really have to be careful of. I don’t know the answer to deterring these idiots. My instinct would be to use derision, e.g. “Oh, I thought for a moment you were going to show me your dick, not an apology for one.” But I suspect simply ignoring them is probably better. Maybe try posting his picture back to him in the hope that his mother or girlfriend (should he be so lucky!) might see it. But glad you are able to write about it in such a humorous way.

    • I absolutely agree, and that was part of my point. I honestly think most of the people who don’t think anything at all of sending pics of their naughty bits to perfect strangers would ever consider showing themselves off in public. Flashers get arrested. How is this any different? And yes, it is aggressive at best and a violation of consent at worst. And no, it is not okay behavior.

  2. I think it’s funny when they don’t even send you a picture of their penis. It’s like there’s a stock pile of rent-a-pe-nie-pics out there and every wannabe-big-man goes there and photoshops it over his own itty bitty. I’ve gotten pics from three different men with the same penis. The last one I just responded. “I guess they do all look alike. You’re the third man I’ve seen with that same penis.” He didn’t reply. 😉

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