Spanking Round Table: Fantasy vs Reality
I make my living with the fantasy of BDSM. Naturally, I have to live my life in the reality. So when I saw that this would be the topic of conversation for this month’s round table discussion, I had to jump on it despite that fact that I am so far behind my deadlines right now that I can barely see above water. lol
My current work, play, preoccupation is the Masters of the Castle series. This is my favorite fantasy, a place where anyone can go to find the perfect play partner, someone who knows exactly what they want and need, who enjoys the same activities, and who knows how far, how fast, how deep and how aggressive to go. You always have a good time. You always get what you want and you always cum.
Well, that just doesn’t happen in the real world, does it?
In the real world, it takes a lot of hard work, open communication and constant compromise to make a good working scene come together. In the real world, sometimes you’re just not in the mood, or you fall off the bed, or someone kneels on someone else’s hair. Sometimes he’s not always consistent with his discipline; sometimes the very idea that he’s going to spank you for something you not only agreed on but really do want, makes you madder than hell. Not everyone is slim and svelte and beautiful/drop-dead good-looking in the real world. We aren’t all young, filled to the brim with all kinds of technical expertise or in our sexual prime. We get older, fatter, saggier, our boobs and our scrotums drift south for the winter, and our tummies make funny noises at the most inopportune moments. Budgets and daily responsibilities constrain us, and before you know it the nightly adventure becomes less about sex and more about who did what with the remote. We have kids and family and thin apartment walls. We have real life, real love, real laughter and occasionally, when everything comes together just right, we have the perfect BDSM experience that reminds us of just why we love this thing we do so much. It’s who we are. It completes us. It’s…real.
The reality is that the Castle doesn’t exist. Sadly. Or I’d spend my entire income there. However, Fetlife has given me a good approximation of what the Castle might actually be like in real life. Twice a month, I drive about two hours to attend my “local” play party. I talk with Doms and other submissives, and participate just about every time I attend. I’ve learned about fire play, Littles, electric play, flogging, figging, needle play, wax play, cell popping, and cutting, and just about everything I’ve learned about I’ve also experienced at least once.
The reality is, satisfying scenes only happen when you and your partner negotiate what you want to happen honestly and correctly. There is no such thing as the Dom who knows everything or who can read our mind. Safe, sane and consensual only happens with someone who is worthy of the trust you put in them and in established play groups that are moderated and attended by people who genuinely care about you and the success of the group as a whole. There are good groups out there, but there are bad ones too. There are wonderful people out there just waiting to be talked to, and there are some real nasty pieces of work that would just love to fuck you up.
The reality is, if you’re too afraid you might run into the latter, you’ll never experience the former. And that would be a shame, because whether it’s a play partner, a life partner or a group experience, reality is still vastly better than anything you’ll find in a fantasy erotica novel.
I’ve loved being part of the round table group this month. Nine other blogs are participating, so don’t forget to check out the other aspects of this discussion.
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