Warning Signs Of A Fake Dominant

Every now and then, I stumble across a blog that has something really important to say. And for the record, mine doesn’t count among them. Most of what I do is sporadic excerpts of my latest work or someone else’s, but when I found this site this morning, I just had to share it.

This is the link, brought to us by thekinkyworldofvile.wordpress.com:

Warning Signs Of A Fake Dominant.

Read it. I cannot stress that enough.

When I was eighteen, I decided I could not live another day if I could not be a part of the big, bad unknown world of BDSM. After all, I’d been writing about it strictly from a fantasy level literally since I picked up a pen. You can see those works under the pen name Denise Hall–A Brief Education, Judgment, and The Companion were all written before I was nineteen and were strictly fueled by my personal fantasies. But now, I was done with fantasies. It was time to cut my teeth on the real thing and so, for my nineteenth birthday, I decided to gift myself with my first adult spanking. And so, being a very practical person, I went about it in a very practical way: I advertised.

Way back in the day (when dinosaurs roamed the earth and people were still amoebas…I’ve met some who still are), there was a little publication out of California called Shadow Lane (they might actually still be there). They put out a magazine called Stand Corrected and also offered a personals booklet called Scene One. I found them in the back of a copy of Cosmo and ordered my first spanking magazine that same day. When it finally arrived and I saw all that I was missing, I promptly ordered all the spanking photo collections they offered, a couple implements (still have the strap and the Punishment Paddle, but sadly, not the hairbrush anymore), some back issues and I placed my ad.

I wish I had read thekinkyworldofvile’s article back then, because everything in this article is something I found out the hard way. I was very, very lucky. My first Dom was wonderful, but that little taste of him just opened the flood gates for me. I met every single person who lived in my state and who answered my ad, and there were a lot of them. At one time, I was seeing 20 different guys every single month, at least one of them each and every day. I went to their homes. I brought them to mine. I slept with none of them (I know, hard to believe, but it’s true) and all but three were content to express themselves through the physical and mental aspects of BDSM, rather than the sexual ones. But those three who weren’t…I’ll repeat, I was very, VERY lucky.

If this is the lifestyle you are attracted to, there is nothing like experiencing it first hand. It is exhilarating to be tied up; it’s even better to be tied down. There is nothing more freeing than a really good spanking, especially one that takes you past all the barriers to the point of tears, where you can release the stress and baggage in your life and just feel. The endorphins are a rush. The submission, when you bend yourself to someone you find intoxicating, can become more important than air. This is who I am and it’s only because I’ve spent so much of my life studying TTWD that I can see in retrospect that what I was back then was in subfrenzy. I was so desperate to experience that I did it in the stupidest way possible.

I very nearly flew to New Zealand to meet a guy based on what he’d said in his first introduction letter. I went home with a man who exuded such bad vibes that I honestly to this day still feel fortunate that I got out of that house alive. It took locking myself in a second story bedroom, climbing out the window and leaping onto the porch roof, but I got out. If you feel so threatened by someone that you have to do that, then what you’re doing is insane…but I didn’t stop. That wasn’t my first or last “date” and it wasn’t the last man I met. That honor belongs to my husband, who I also met through Shadow Lane’s Scene One. We’ve been married 18 years now–our marriage is on the cusp of graduating from high school. It has great plans to bum around Europe for a year while it decides whether or not it wants to go to college. We keep having to tell it to get a job, cut its hair, take a shower. It doesn’t listen.

The point is, good things can happen when you take the plunge to immerse yourself in the Scene. By all means, meet people. Join Fetlife (I’m a big fan too–I haven’t been to Alt.com or Collarme.com in years because of the crap you have to wade through). Go to the munches. There is no safer place to meet other doms and submissives, make friends and play (or even life) partners who are into the same things you are. Even better, you can branch out your experiences and try new things you never knew you might be interested in.

Be aware that there are assholes, mooches and predators prowling through the BDSM world just like they are on every other corner of the internet. But at the munches, you can finally experience your fantasies, surrounded by a crowd of like-minded individuals who are vested and vetted into preventing bad things from happening in the play space. Be careful whatever you do. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can. Learn what the common sense procedures are. Start by reading the above link proved by thekinkyworldofvile.

3 thoughts on “Warning Signs Of A Fake Dominant

  1. Fantastic post, Maren. You are a wonderful resource for everyone in the lifestyle, particularly those just starting out.

    I’d like to have something witty or intelligent to say, but that’s it. Great post.

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